dedleg.com

I knew it was only a matter of time before they figured us out.

It’s just too apropos to even get bummed wondering if the tattoo was damaged. It’s only some road rash anyway.

Honestly, that shit is like putting a target on your arm that attracts concrete. So if you’ve been missing that real up close and personal interaction with hard things that hurt when you fall on them, I think you know what to do. Scar yourself with silly skateboard drawings so you can scar your scars — you’ll be on your way to double secret tough guy status in no time.

Because I have just a little bit of sense, I haven’t watched the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movies in over a decade — likewise, I’ve purposefully avoided anything involving my beloved masked salmonella warriors pretty much since the release of Turtles in Time. That is my perfect memory of them. I don’t want to hear any words coming out of a turtle’s mouth for the rest of my life, as I always want to remember these words, dripping with 8-bit sweetness, as their last: “My toe! My toe!”

One fateful day as a clumsy 5-year-old, I stepped on my Foot Soldier action figure, cracking his leg clean off. I wept for hours. So no, I will not crush my memory of those turtles. Not for any of their next generation importers and doppelgangers. Raphael is cool but rude, Michelangelo is a party dude. And that is how they will stay in my mind, forever.

Nonetheless, it’s hard not to get just a little bit intrigued by this upcoming independent fan film — produced and directed by Polaris Banks — following the origins of Casey Jones, the most crazed, badassest vigilante wearing sweatpants on the block. He had the hottest chick, the coolest friends, and he beat the fuck out of ne’er-do-wells with bats and hockey sticks. Obviously he’s the best role model a kid could ever have.

In fact, I’ve permanently stained my body with his visage — a potent reminder that… well, mostly that I’m a huge fucking nerd, actually… but more importantly, a nerd that will protect himself with second-hand sports equipment if need be.

Oh, and please excuse my Frankenstein shaved wrist — I just had that band of plus signs done a couple days ago. I’ve been on a bit of a negative streak lately, and apparently Cthulhu, Casey Jones, and a slice of pizza weren’t enough to remind me that life is awesome.