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These photos were supposed to go up back in May, and I was going to be all cute like “April showers bring May flowers,” but then I forgot about them and here we are, two months later… lost without a corny joke to make.

Isn’t it bizarre that butterflies survive by licking flowers? That’s really what it comes down to. Except when Wikipedia tries to sneak by incendiary information like this when nobody’s looking:

Butterflies feed primarily on nectar from flowers. Some also derive nourishment from pollen, tree sap, rotting fruit, dung, decaying flesh, and dissolved minerals in wet sand or dirt. 

I’m sorry, but did you say decaying flesh? Oh, ok, you did. Just wanted to make sure of that before I added butterflies to my ever-growing list of mundane horrors.

Yeah, so… there are close shots, and then there’s this close shot. Obviously, it would have been better if in the adjacent shot that ambulance had been the Ecto-1. Not that the Ecto-1 has anything at all to do with orchids, I just really like Ghost Busters.

In other news, the arachnid invasion in my apartment is unrelenting. It’s not obvious what they want, aside from lots of bugs, and I don’t really mind the company, but the statistical likelihood of me inhaling at least a few of these little fuckers in my sleep has got to be skyrocketing by the day. And the thought of that just makes my insides, um, crawl

So yeah, if you never hear from me again, you know what happened.

The critics could never appreciate the greatness of Eight Legged Freaks, but that’s fine. They’ll be the first to die in the Arac Attack.

I’m calling from Prosperity, Arizona. My name is Chris McCormick. I know how this is gonna sound, but you have to believe me, I swear it’s the truth! Our town is being attacked by giant spiders. 

Monstrous spiders and dirt bikes? Totally rad!!! Immediately before this scene, Brad (the blond x-treme dude with the weird mannequin mouth) tried to steal a young Scarlett Johansson’s virginity and in doing so, earned himself a tasing in the crotch, which caused him to fall out of his truck, piss himself and then get chased by mutated jumping spiders. I mean, seriously, this movie never lets up.

And speaking of jumping spiders, look who I found sneaking around…

Hey, I’ll take these creepy little fuckers over roaches any day.

Just some scientific documentation of the work the local hoodlums have been putting up lately.

From a distance I misread this as “God Blows!” and got really excited. My disappointment was palpable upon closer inspection of the tag, such that it is. I try not to post up too much of God’s work on this blog. Nothing against the guy, personally, but it’s only asking for trouble. His fans are just a bunch of fucking jackasses.

The frequency with which I’ve been seeing these jumping spiders is starting to *ahem* bug me out. At first I found them endearing and kind of cute, but I guess it was around the time I woke up with one of them perched on my nose, staring directly into my eyes, that I started feeling kind of weird about the little guys. Yeah, that and the note that said “GET OUT” written in dismembered fly wings. It’s probably nothing.

Look, I found some wild dedlegs at play! Why don’t you go do the same, Internerd?

Accidentally walked in on my roommate when he was in the bathroom the other day. It was awkward.

I’ve talked about how these dudes have invaded my apartment before, and it seems like they’re pretty committed to staying for the winter. Honestly, I can’t say I mind the company and good conversation, I just wish the fucking freeloaders would pay some fucking rent if they’re going to use all the goddamned toilet paper.

If you like skiing, and you like spiders, then you’ll LOVE Ice Spiders.

I mean it.

Now that’s a fucking dead leg! That shit is fucked, regardless of any roided-out, man-eating, freak spiders. Maybe you should have thought twice about pulling that little chode of a ponytail through your helmet… not like cutting that shit off would have saved you from your grisly death, but at least you wouldn’t have died looking like a fucking idiot.

Well, it’s Halloweek… as anyone who lives in a major US city knows, Halloween is actually a week long celebration of death, getting trashed, and mostly naked people. Obviously it’s a hugely popular tradition within the Neverland, Toys R’ Us kid kind of 18-30ish demographic that tends to define a particular city’s “cool” culture — it encompasses all of our generation’s favorite things, plus it lets you pretend to be something you’re not, which is also something our generation is really good at.

But enough of all that shit. One of my favorite parts of Halloween is that its imagery relies heavily on the creepy and the crawly… especially… SPIDERS

The above photo was actually taken by my multi-talented and disarmingly attractive girlfriend. But enough of all the mushy shit — this is Halloween, mother fuckers! Get some! And by some, I mean interesting facts about spiders I pulled from educational sites for children.

1. Spider webbing is considered, pound for pound, to be the strongest organic chemical substance on Earth.
A scientist spent years collecting spider web extract and actually made a spider suit. It repelled a steel baseball bat, bullets shot at close range, and even withstood getting hit by a pickup truck.

Between you and me though, I totally don’t know if I believe that.

2. Baby spiders travel by a process called ballooning, in which they emit a small thread and float on the wind.
When scientists travel to newly-formed volcanic islands, they find that spiders, which can travel through the air by ballooning, are almost always the first permanent inhabitants.

This one I buy, because spiders are awesome.

3. When spiders were fed flies that had been injected with caffeine, they spun very “nervous” webs. When spiders ate flies injected with LSD, they spun webs with wild, abstract patterns. Spiders that were given sedatives fell asleep before completing their webs.

Amazing.

4. Jumping spiders can jump up to forty times their own body length. 

This is is true — I’ve seen it! Look, this here guy is a certain breed of jumping spider, the zebra spider. I know him well.

He lives in my apartment. For a while there were lots of them in my apartment. Jumping all over the place. I set tons of his friends free, into the wild streets of Chicago, but eventually gave up because they’re pretty friendly all things considered… and obviously don’t mind mugging for the camera.