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You know, for a second there, I actually thought BP might fix this whole oil geyser problem before my shirts came in. But then they were all like,

Photo via Yahoo! News

And the Gulf shore was all like,

Photo via Associated Press

And then I was like

Seriously though, with hurricane season practically busting the front door down, we’ve really got nothing to look forward to except a whole bunch of poisonous oil and Corexit getting kicked into our atmosphere. And then, say, decades of recovery. And even then, the ecosystem of the Gulf of Mexico will be forever changed. No biggie. At least we’ve got some t-shirts for you in honor of this most apocalyptic occasion. Hey mang, it’s the end of the world, do you want to greet Armageddon looking like a scrub?

Both asphalt and a very limited number of black tie-dye shirts, for the weedies in attendance, are available in Dedleg’s fledgling store. Support the site you’ve grown to potentially love, or at least kind of like whenever nobody’s updating their Twitter, by supporting the National Wildlife Federation’s recovery efforts in the Gulf, since that’s where I’m donating all the profits. Every little bit counts — when it comes to your growing master collection of cool guy apparel. Oh, yeah, and I guess with the oil spill, too.

I’m going on vacation! Five days of lethargy and mosquito bites in the wilds of Wisconsin. But dedleg will continue to operate as normal, thanks to those immigrant workers I employed to man the helm in my absence. Fuck you, Arizona! It’s still legal to hire illegal immigrants in Illinois!

Monkey see, monkey do.

Paul Rand’s logo for Westinghouse —

CREATURE-IZED —

Yeah, so this is a total bite. But if you’re going to bite somebody’s shit, you might as well bite from the best. Why would you want to put garbage in your mouth anyway?

I had to cheat, too. Boy, I really suck.

Also, I realize that while I’m being a literalist here, the term “shit” carries a rather foul connotation. Fortunately, in art/design/whatevs, not all shit stinks. Let’s just say, Paul Rand didn’t need to gas the bathroom with Oust when he was done with his doodoo.

Westinghouse ad designed by Paul Rand

I must be getting old because this three day weekend was devastating. In a good way. You kind of have to earn long weekends in reverse. You pay for them with that sizzling psychedelic haze the last day brings after getting too much sun and substance-abusing for three days straight. I feel kinda like this:

Scorched earth policy during Napoleon’s invasion of Russia - image via hardnewsinc.blogs.com

But it’s a good burn.

Tentative title of Dedleg’s debut dance album: Sprain Monster. There are going to be costumes and shit. Fashion and spectacle. Currently accepting offers for cellphone and sunglasses sponsors.

Got my leg “electro-massaged” today. Overall, not nearly as unpleasant as getting massaged by electricity may sound. Still, it’s kind of like getting a charlie horse over and over again for 10 minutes straight. Is it helping? No idea.

They also gave the back of my leg an ultrasound, so maybe my knee is actually pregnant, not sprained? A whole baby in there would sure explain why it hurts so goddamned much.

Either way, after all of this, the various contortions they’ve been submitting my legs to, and a resume packed with sprain experience, I’m pretty convinced that the easiest way to cure a sprain is by never setting foot on a skateboard. But where’s the fun in that? Besides, getting injuries are a good excuse to get stoned and play video games, and that’s awesome.

It’s no stretch to say that I have a bit of a fixation when it comes to drawing the grim, ghoulish, and gross. And while the fiends in my newest drawing may be terrifying to some, scarier still are the real life monsters that inspired this cast of creatures. 

If you’re a size queen, you can click here for a larger version.

It should come as no surprise that goats are so often associated with the demonic, considering they have nightmare eyeballs capable of gazing into the apocalypse.

Goat eye - photo via webshots.com

Scariest of all, however, is this chance correlation I discovered while researching for my doodle. Observe how freakishly similar goats’ eyes are to octopus eyes — a fact that both amazes me and makes me want to round up all the goats and octopuses on Earth, stuff them in a rocket, and shoot it at a wall.

Octopus eye - photo by Matt Gieselman

Are these two animals, who seemingly couldn’t be more dissimilar, actually be long-lost relatives? All data is pointing towards one obvious conclusion: yes.

According to the scientistic geniuses at Listverse.com, these disturbing, evil eyes do have their advantages:

Goats have horizontal slits which are nearly rectangular when dilated. This gives goats vision covering 320 – 340 degrees; this means they can see virtually all around them without having to move (humans have vision covering 160 – 210 degrees). Consequently, animals with rectangular eyes can see better at night due to having larger pupils that can be closed more tightly during the day to restrict light. 

Excellent night vision would be helpful, now wouldn’t it… say, in the blackest depths of hell? Clearly, that is where these abominations made their happy home before settling into a career of terrorizing the mortal world. I think my work here is done.

This is a completely true story — he’s a really good guy. Sorry for all the times I throw you across the parking lot, lil’ buddy.

Speaking of…

It took me longer than two seconds to find that video on YouTube, which leads me to believe it’s relatively obscure on these here Interwebs. It’s the stress montage from Chocolate Skateboard’s awesome documentary / tour video, Hot Chocolate. No matter how many times I accidentally scare a couple of old people, immediately regret focusing my board, or actually injure myself in the process of freaking out, I always seem to end up in this spot again. It happens less frequently as I’ve gotten older and have learned that skateboarding is supposed to be for fun, not frustration — nonetheless, Iceland has shown us quite recently, a dormant volcano does not stay dormant forever.

Quote of Today
“Are there any crossword puzzles in this?”
— my girlfriend in regards to the new issue of The Skateboard Mag

Good morning, everyone.

It’s the best part of waking up!

Alternate post title: Weird Wednesday. Considering most days are at least somewhat weird around here, it seemed a little redundant. If anything, it should have been “Fairly Routine Wednesday,” and that just doesn’t roll off the tongue very well at all.

Apathy — silent but deadly?

I used to think it was pretty bad ass to be apathetic, but later on realized it was mostly just an excuse for laziness. The problem is, now I have to think of new excuses for my laziness. It’s like that saying goes, you have to be the change you want to see… in people? The world? Something like that… I don’t care enough to look it up.

Anybody who uses the word “guy” is a monster as far as I’m concerned — it’s the reigning champion of pejorative terms that don’t involve vulgarities. In fact, if I had a choice, I think I’d rather be called a “cockbag” or “ass clown” before the dreaded “guy.” There’s something so inherently condescending about it, anybody who stamps an insult with it is justifiably strangleable. Which happens to be a word I just made up. It means “made for, or at least asking for, being strangled,” in case that wasn’t obvious.

Other generic slang terms for “fellow” that have, over time, revealed their uglier intentions:

Chief
Champ
Kid
Buddy
Sir

Yes, even “sir,” when used with the appropriate dose of sarcasm, can be downright infuriating. Keep these in mind, and happy belittling!

Be thankful every time you step on your skateboard and feel the thick city air rushing past your face. Seriously.

Also, try not to throw it around so much when you get frustrated. Contrary to popular belief, it’s not actually the board’s fault you suck. I promise.

Well anyway, if you end up trying that, let me know how it goes because I’d like to give it a shot if it works.