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Apathy — silent but deadly?

I used to think it was pretty bad ass to be apathetic, but later on realized it was mostly just an excuse for laziness. The problem is, now I have to think of new excuses for my laziness. It’s like that saying goes, you have to be the change you want to see… in people? The world? Something like that… I don’t care enough to look it up.

Apparently it’s unofficial zombie week here at Dedleg National Headquarters. Now if only my knee was as undead as Hollywood’s monstrosity of the moment… well… then I guess I’d have to think of another name.

They’ll find a cure one day, little guy. Stay strong.

Shaun of the Dead director Edgar Wright - photo via slashfilm.com

Homonyms dude… what a rush. You see, before I was ever hooked on any of the intoxicants I pickle myself with every weekend, I was hooked on phonics, and that shit is HARD.

But let’s move on to another topic that’s always on the forefront of my mind — eyeballs.

You could say that my artistic eye has been somewhat fixed on eyeballs for a while now — they’re one of those cliche, beat-to-death icons that I just can’t seem to get sick of. Skulls, lightning bolts, hearts, stars… I love them in all their trite glory. Have all the beautiful symbols already been drawn? I don’t know, maybe I’ll stumble upon a new one in my daily doodlings, or maybe I’ll just keep beating the old ones farther into their graves. Oh, gravestones! That’s another one I like!

Now, of course the real backbone of any of these well-worn symbols is the fact that they’re so iconic. That’s precisely why they persist. They’re easily recognizable and they resonate strongly through time. Take the all-seeing eye, for example. While it may be a popular image in street wear today, it’s been chic for centuries. Literally. This shit was all the rage back in ancient Egypt.

Eye of Horus - image via Wikipedia

A million, trillion, fafillion versions of this symbol have cropped up throughout the ages. In Egypt, it was The Eye of Horus. Buddhists also had their own interpretation, as they refer to Buddha as the “Eye of the World”. But the eyeball didn’t stop rolling there.

The Eyes of Buddha - image origin unknown

In the United States’ toilet training years, the Eye of Providence was adopted as part of the Great Seal of the United States. You might have noticed it if you’ve ever seen a dollar bill.

Detail of the Great Seal on a dollar bill

Surrounding the eye are the Latin words Annuit Cœptis, which translate as “he approves our undertakings.” I’m not sure which one of the founding fathers had the direct line to Jesus fucking Christ, but apparently they was mad tight back in the day. Either way, obviously all that changed once we went and gave that guy Will and his boyfriend Grace their own TV show. Which is exactly why God didn’t let us beat Canada in the Olympics, in case you were wondering.

Today, the Eye of Providence is often associated with a much more insidious context — National Treasure. Jokes! Although, the reason the Eye was depicted in that Nicholas Cage masterpiece was due to its heavy usage by the Freemasons starting in the late 1700s. Similar to its purpose on the Great Seal, in Freemason iconography the Eye is meant to be a reminder to the little cult heard round the world that they are always being watched by God. Conspiracy theorists such as Nicholas Cage like to point out this similarity, suggesting that Freemasonry heavily influenced the founding of the United States and continues to wield its influence on current U.S. policies. While this is all probably true, Freemasons strongly deny any connection, so like, of course it was all just a coincidence.

Masonic Eye of Providence - image via Seattle’s Masonic Lodge of the Arts

Now, the Freemasons look to the Egyptian deity Osiris as their particular brand of “god,” teaching that everything good comes from Osiris, including order, harmony and the celestial periods (whatever the fuck that means). This following bit of information, however, is no coincidence — Horus is the son of Osiris in Eyptian mythology, and you might remember those guys named their particular version of the all-seeing peeper “The Eye of Horus.”

Like I said, people have been into this shit for years — I’m just trying to keep up with the trends.

Are you amongst the world’s population of Weirdies? If you don’t know for sure, chances are good that you are. In fact, a recent study shows that the number of Weirdies is on the rise like never before.

Edward Norton in Fight Club

Well, I gotta tell you: I’d be very, very careful who you talk to about that, because the person who wrote that… is dangerous.

And this button-down, Oxford-cloth psycho might just snap, and then stalk from office to office with an Armalite AR-10 carbine gas-powered semi-automatic weapon, pumping round after round into colleagues and co-workers. This might be someone you’ve known for years. Someone very, very close to you.

Weirdies. They’re everywhere. At least on the Red Line.

That’s one of Chicago’s lovely elevated train lines. I was on it yesterday with a… uh… extremely “thrifty” man who smelled like a poopie and was swatting at flies that weren’t there. He even tried to grab a girl’s hair but she was not having it.

Anyway, did anyone else catch this movie (Fight Club) when they were like 15 and want to get in a fight with your friends afterwards? Was that a common experience? The guy I saw it with knew karate. It was the first time I spared a man’s life in a duel.

It’s true.

Magic Hat is one of my favorite microbreweries, partly because their beer offerings are some of the more delicious ways to get drunk, but also because each cap comes with a short phrase, submitted by fans of the brew, printed on the underside. The caps are funny, insightful, and often incomprehensible (even when sober), but they’re downright collectible, just like Pokemon or Nazi gold!

I’ve amassed something of a repository myself, because, after all, what’s cooler than bragging about how much you drink to people who absolutely couldn’t give a shit?

Although, over time you’ll start getting an increasing number of doubles which quickly becomes disheartening. Eventually, the only hidden message left to be read is, “collecting beer caps is kind of a dumb hobby.”

Somewhat related: Is there anything more pointless (yes, even counting collecting beer caps) than having an age block on alcoholic products’ websites? As far as I’m aware, there is no age limit on lying.

Okay, so maybe it’s not the deepest concept I’ve ever come up with. Not like skeletons breathing fire are all that rich with meaning, either. If you’re looking for layers, screw you — go be a geologist or eat a cake or something.

The fact of the matter is, destruction is an integral part of skateboarding, and no number of “skateboarding is not a crime” stickers and city-funded skate parks are ever going to change that. We buy shoes that we destroy, our boards… destroyed, our clothes… destroyed, my knee… destroyed. And let’s admit it, public property… kinda destroyed. But destruction is awesome, and if there was a Transformer who could turn into a skateboard he would be called Destructicon.

And what better symbol of destruction than the mighty squid, responsible for nearly 95% of all shipwrecks since the 16^th century.*

* Not a real statistic.

Squids are awesome, and beyond weird, and completely deserving of the heebie jeebies they send writhing up my spine. Writhing… like a squid’s tentacle… oh god.

Colossal squid - photo via fish.govt.nz

The colossal squid is actually larger than the giant squid, which prior to some education on Wikipedia’s behalf, I was not aware of. It’s one of the largest living organisms — this one, captured in 2007, was the largest ever seen and tapped out at 33 feet long, weighing more than 1,000 pounds.

Giant squids are less massive, although they can potentially best the colossal squid in total length including tentacles. Wouldn’t want either kind of them moseying up to my girl on the beach, though.

Washed up giant squid - photo via life.com

What a watermark! Ego maniacs. The pictures originally came from fucking Getty Images!

Washed up giant squid - photo via life.com

Anyway, I figured I’d post this in the morning so it would give you some time to regain your appetite. Tell your breakfast I said hi.

Minor league baseball logos are far cooler than their grown-up counterparts — they usually employ cartoons, keeping things more playful and not as serious as the professionals who feel the need to turn themselves into unnaturally muscle-bound freaks in order to play. Which is refreshing in a culture that treats sports as less of a game and more of a religion or dangerous cult. I’ve actually seen someone beaten with a stick over a Red Sox game. One of those situations where you have to sit back with some popcorn and laugh, because otherwise you’d cry.

Various minor league baseball logos

Anyway, I was always more of a tee ball guy, but I understand that some people aren’t scared of projectiles being lobbed at them. So I present to you, The Dedleg Outfielders. However, try-outs were last Saturday. So… sorry champ, maybe next year.

Now, our operation is small, but there’s a lot of potential for “aggressive” expansion. So, which one of you fine gentlemen would like to join our team? 

The name was originally going to be “Unhappy Kneebreakers Union,” since, let’s be honest, I’m not exactly Doctor Sunshine over here, but it I needed both words to be five letters long so the whole line would be spaced evenly. In art, you must kill your darlings. Or something like that.

T-sharts coming soon?

Anybody who uses the word “guy” is a monster as far as I’m concerned — it’s the reigning champion of pejorative terms that don’t involve vulgarities. In fact, if I had a choice, I think I’d rather be called a “cockbag” or “ass clown” before the dreaded “guy.” There’s something so inherently condescending about it, anybody who stamps an insult with it is justifiably strangleable. Which happens to be a word I just made up. It means “made for, or at least asking for, being strangled,” in case that wasn’t obvious.

Other generic slang terms for “fellow” that have, over time, revealed their uglier intentions:

Chief
Champ
Kid
Buddy
Sir

Yes, even “sir,” when used with the appropriate dose of sarcasm, can be downright infuriating. Keep these in mind, and happy belittling!

Why not?

Well… still doesn’t look like a g, but whatever. It’s 140 characters or less, and that’s all the kids care about anyway.