May 2012


A Three-Hour Tour

The other day, I decided to play around with two of my favorite toys at the same time: gasoline, and people tied up with rope. I’m just kidding. My camera and my skateboard, dumby! I was experimenting with self-timer shots, trying to get even an ollie, but it was a disaster. Needless to say, I took a shit load of pictures and almost all of them were total crap. But a few turned out okay! Particularly the ones that didn’t involve me actually riding a skateboard.

The whole thing is basically a trip down narcissism lane, but whatever.

zip zinger graffiti covered bridge A Three Hour Tour

Towards the beginning of my excursion, I got this wild idea that I wanted to get a shot of myself doing a powerslide right in front of the camera. Now, this is easier said than done. That said, I got a pretty good one on my very first try.

powerslide at stop sign A Three Hour Tour

However, subsequent attempts turned out less favorable…

self timer fall A Three Hour Tour

zip zinger next to manhole cover A Three Hour Tour

Anyway, in skateboarding, as in most things in life, if you’re gonna be dumb, you’ve got to be tough. So pick yourself up, dust off the grit and grime of your neighborhood curb spot, and get back to the task at hand.

pushing self portrait A Three Hour Tour

And I’m out. Outie. Outski. Out of hand.


This post brought to you by Skatestoppers®

Hi, everyone. Welcome to today’s exciting edition of “Spots That Suck.” As you know, a lot of talk goes on around these “Internets” about the hottest new skate destinations. Want to know what’s even more fun than that?! Making fun of skate don’t-stinations!

head in hand This post brought to you by Skatestoppers®

First up, the worst skate park on Earth. Seriously. If there is one, this has literally got to be it.

worst skate park ever This post brought to you by Skatestoppers®

[image via pyrex-vision]

I mean, I heard all terrain skating is in, but you’ve gotta be kidding me, brah.

But wait… for 100 bucks, you can get your very own worst half pipe on Earth!

terrible craigslist ramp This post brought to you by Skatestoppers®

Bicycle Jump Ramp or Skateboard ramp. $100 OBO
Kids don’t use anymore. Surface is painted with a little bit of texture and in good shape.
12′ long x 4′ wide. One end is 5′ high the other end is 6′ high.
Delivery can be arranged if needed.

Can’t believe the kids don’t use it anymore! I wonder if it comes with any home videos of them using it before the accident (I’m assuming there was an accident). Better move fast if you want it.

Seriously, though, somebody better buy it because my mom’s giving me a ton of shit about getting it off the front lawn, so help me out here, guys.

And you know what? I’m going to nominate this latest ad from Poler, even though the ad sure doesn’t suck, because that spot really does. Not that I don’t enjoy looking at Michal Juras risk his life an’ all.

michal juras poler ad This post brought to you by Skatestoppers®

Actually, I don’t think that even counts as a spot for like, 99% of the skateboarding population, so it probably doesn’t belong on this list. And while we’re debating cause for dismissal… um, is this even real? I’m not entirely convinced survival is even an option coming out of that thing. Looks like a clear-cut “splat”-grade scenario, if you ask me. Has anyone checked to see if Michal is still alive?

Eh, while we’re at it…

phil zwijsen carhartt ad This post brought to you by Skatestoppers®

All right, this has gone on long enough. I’m going to go skate some flat ground, and fall, probably.



This shit is crazy. Like, crazy personified.

dirtbike accident Yikes

[image via hellatrill]

Don’t know the story on this one at all but holy fuck anyways.


The ink bleeds

Hope you all enjoyed a weekend of grilled animal parts and drinking outdoors — I’m pretty sure it’s your civic duty, actually, considering all the people who had to die just so you could have yesterday off. Personally, my Memorial Day was bloody fantastic.

bloody skull tattoo The ink bleeds

Just a flesh wound, and a dainty one at that, but it’s not everyday you have some real, live, human blood on a skull and crossbones tattoo, so it seemed wrong not to photograph it.

When it comes to orange soda, my favorite kind is Slice, and by now you should know I’m not one to say no to a slice of pizza, but this kind of slice? Now this is where I draw the line… in blood.


All Star Status

Jason Jessee wears Chucks now? Weeeiiiird. It feels like the delicate firmament above the skateboarding world just collapsed, a little bit.

I was never a Cons man. They didn’t make sense to me, since I’m a skater, not a basketball player from the 1920s. That’s why I always wore Vans, another producer of quality, slim, low-profile shoes with classic sentimentality oozing out from between the stitches, only their involvement in skateboarding beat Converse’s by two decades. And today, Converse has been owned by Nike since 2003. Sure, people have always skated in Cons, some of our great early style leaders, like Natas Kaupas, were known for it, but the thing is, Vans were made for skateboarding. Granted, both brands are now celebrating widespread mainstream popularity, but historically speaking, Vans were skate shoes, not just basketball sneakers that people chose to skate in. And this is why, I assume, Jason Jessee had a longstanding partnership with Vans, collaborating with them on one of the finest releases in the Vans Syndicate line to date…

jason jessee vans syndicate All Star Status

Apparently, that relationship fell apart sometime between then and Jason turning 40. His announcement of his age is a revelation that almost knocks the wind out of you, considering he’s the closest thing skateboarding has to a Peter Pan. And that’s saying something considering all skateboarders have a little touch of the Pan as it is. So if Jason Jessee can’t stay young, surely we’re all doomed.

jason jessee motorycle cons All Star Status

I get it. It’s hard staying young for 40 years. Moreover, it’s expensive staying young for 40 years. And if somebody wants to pay you to basically just, continue being you in your pursuit to stay young, only while wearing their sneakers… fuck it. You win. But I think that kind of decision making automatically makes you a grown up. You may be a man-child, but you’re still a man now.

jason jessee rowing boat alcatraz All Star Status

In any case, Jason Jessee is still significantly cooler than you or I can ever even dream of one day being. If anything, we should be thanking him for lowering the bar a little bit. And, at the end of the day, there are a ton of incredibly legit dudes skating for Converse — so don’t mind me, I’m just being a purist. If you were an Aerosmith fan, imagine how you felt when Steven Tyler became a judge on American Idol, and then multiply your pain by a thousand because Steven Tyler, on his best day, has less coolness in his entire body than Jason Jesse has in, like, a single pube.


Back the fuck up

Today, I’d like to introduce you to Beanie Back: The Original Snapback Beanie, a concept so utterly weird it almost defies mockery. It’s a mockery in itself. A mockery of all things I hold dear, and some that I do not, but most of all, I’m sure, it’s a mockery of yourself to wear one of these on your head.

beanie back Back the fuck up

Bet the dudes at the patent office are really scratching their heads at this one. Also, the fact that it’s “the original snapback beanie” suggests to me that there are more of these abominations out there, and that is an idea I simply do not want to tolerate.

It’s about as awesome and horrible as that rudimentary illustration would have you believe…

beanie back image Back the fuck up

My main question is… why would you do this? And judging from the photos… it seems the inventor isn’t sure either. Perhaps there’s a seed of doubt growing in his mind. Perhaps he’s wondering to himself, “have I… created a monster?”

beanie back model shots Back the fuck up

Pretty sure I’ll be seeing that guy’s Beanie-Back-wearing face in my nightmares for the next, eh, forever or so. It looks like the hat is draining his will to live straight out of his brain.

But hey, at least he’s doing his own thing. And who knows, maybe everybody in the future will be wearing them. Fuck me, right?

So anyway, yes, obviously, I just placed an order for one in every color.


Hex and the City

go to hell blossom Hex and the City

Hey, it’s just how I feel. About you.

I’m just kidding. In all seriousness though, I’ve always wanted to visit. I’m way overdue for a vacation and it seems like such a warm, inviting place… full of people who think god is stupid. That kind of crowd can really light my fire.

Anyway, I’ll be back with more vitriol sooner or later, you can count on it.


Train in Vain

It should come as no surprise that the MTA sucks just a little bit more than usual on rainy days. The roads are slippery, people are going slow and being extra cautious, visibility is reduced… wait. I actually have no explanation for why a train that operates underground is forced to run at 25% speed when it’s raining outside. I also have no explanation for the sudden downpour outside my window considering the forecast predicted sunny skies. And finally, I have no explanation for whatever the fuck this dude is doing. It seems the MTA, like life itself, is full of mystery.

mta contractor on strange train car Train in Vain

He was hanging strings from the beam above the center track. Maybe he just thought they looked nice, I don’t know.

strange train car Train in Vain

I have no idea what any of this shit is.

Anyway, that’s all for now - just wanted to get a couple flicks up to keep you nerds busy. Happy sailing!


Style Wars

In the first decade of the 21st Century, somewhere between the introduction of increasingly affordable, high-quality digital cameras and the advent of social networks with a strong emphasis on photo-sharing, our generation became fucking obsessed with having its picture taken. Nowhere was this more apparent than in New York City… actually, scratch that. Nowhere was this more apparent than in the mirrors of teenagers’ bathrooms the nation over. Nonetheless, coming close on the heels of mirror-assisted self-portraiture was New York City nightlife photography, where every doofus draped in neon vied for their chance to appear on the Misshapes homepage looking hip, a.k.a. tired and starving.

It should go without saying that everybody in New York is obsessed with themselves, so it’s not strange that people would like having their photo taken on the street by a man with a trendy haircut, cropped pants, and billowing scarf, for thousands of drones on the Internet to repost on their Tumblrs, leaving notes that echo with their surprising depth. Deceptively simple statements, such as “love <3″ speak volumes about whatever pattern or material the poster is, like, really into at the time. Unsurprisingly, it wasn’t long before somebody took the street fashion formula and applied it to skateboarding. And here it is that we find ourselves facing the inevitable: The Skartorialist.

the skartorialist samples Style Wars

[photos via The Skartorialist]

Granted, it’s a British blog, so none of that New York shit really applies… or does it? The blog’s a veritable who’s who of gentleman skateboarders, done up in the style of, you guessed it, the OG - maybe even the triple OG - of street fashion blogs, The Sartorialist, which is based out of New York. Seems like The Skartorialist is mostly Euros, but that’s not really a shock. Not because of the blog’s membership in the European Union, but just because they would be the first to do some shit like this.

I guess it’s no surprise. I mean, let’s just look at the facts: skateboarders are 1) considerably cooler than most people living in this godforsaken city, and 2) consistently manage to be extremely fashion-forward while still not looking like total fucking douche bags (although that sometimes does happen, too). We’re a young, quasi-dangerous, trend-forecasting demographic that the fashion illumanti would love to get their claw-tipped, jewel-encrusted fingers on. Let’s just try not to forget that once the mainstream finds some new attractive subculture to prey upon, as it always does, they’ll toss us out quicker than those all-over-print sweatshirts. Personally, I’m looking forward to it.

We were all better off once all-over-print went the way of the all-over-print dinosaurs, and there’s a lesson to be learned there, I think.

the fartorialist large Style Wars

An old illustration from The Archives of The Ded comes to mind — The Fartorialist, 2009

Look, mainstream fashion has been biting our shit for years. But that doesn’t mean we have to like it, and it certainly doesn’t mean we have to actively participate in the circus. The Amish don’t let tourists take their picture, maybe we should try the same, considering our happy acceptance of the act really is stealing skateboarding’s soul. We could all do well to remember it’s a skateboard, not this season’s hottest accessory… even though it kind of is that as well.

Wait. Hold on a second. The Skartorialist? I don’t even know what skartboarding is! Oh, fuck, I had this shit mixed up with skateboarding the whole time! False alarm… I guess.


Another beautiful day in the neighborhood

Just a couple of murky shots to wash down yet another murky day, as if the unrelenting drizzle wasn’t helping that along already.

cloudy day neighborhood1 Another beautiful day in the neighborhood

cloudy day neighborhood2 Another beautiful day in the neighborhood

In true metaphorical fashion, the weather this week seems to be predicting the forecast for this blog’s state of updating schedule: partly shitty with a chance of morning shitstorms. I will try my best to keep things as “poppin” as I can around here, but do try to remember that my own personal “best” is closer to everybody else’s “ehh, fuck it.”


Your hair, dude (part 2)

In case you were, like, so totally put off by the weird girl in the corner of Fat Bill’s latest part for Quiksilver, you’re in luck, because it turns out it wasn’t actually his latest part for Quiksilver. In a moment of true clairvoyance (or, at least, in a moment of understanding how goddamned outspoken and ungrateful the Internetting masses are), Bill cooked up two edits of the same footage — one, the black-and-white (good), weird-corner-girl (bad) art-school edition, and two, a normal edit for uninspired idiots and people who like to see landings. And man do I ever love being an idiot. Life’s just more fun that way… and hey, so is skateboarding!

This is kind of like the skateboarding equivalent of R. Kelly dropping the remix of “Ignition” out of nowhere after first promising only but a taste. So basically what I’m saying is, it’s awesome.

Reruns have seldom seemed so fresh.

Of course, the footage couldn’t escape completely unscathed by fartsy sensibilities — considering the dangerously-classical sounding ditty inhabiting the soundtrack, the video might fall on deaf ears, as it were, for those who feel that skateboarding is best served with the accompaniment of rap beats that rely heavily on gun shot samples. But as far as distracting from skate footage goes, I think piano ballads reside well behind both weird girls in the corner of the frame and gun shots.

Also, I didn’t catch this the first time, but the power of the SLAP boards compels me, I guess. Is David Clark on Vans now? My my, I wonder what kind of debacle (heh) spurred on that decision?