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Welcome to Chicago’s famed prison of eternal sadness — the Lincoln Park Zoo!

Their diverse collection includes the cutest animal mankind has ever discovered. Although I’m pretty sure if you gave it the chance, it would slash you in the jugular and lap up your blood while you still struggled for breath.

Meanwhile, this fucking giraffe was all “No more pictures!” Diva.

Dude seems a little depressed. Don’t worry little guy, Lindsey will be out soon.

My final conclusion based on my trip to the zoo? Penguins are hard to shoot.

Of course I got to thinking… wouldn’t it be weird if our planet was really just a giant zoo for alien tourists to observe with kryptonite-lens binoculars on a galactic safari? Consider this: animals in zoos often display repetitive behavior. For example, I watched in silent agony as an armadillo ran in a circle for 10 minutes straight, which is as long as I could muster before tearing myself away from the grim spectacle. Now, on a cosmic level, wouldn’t your routine look a bit like you running around in a circle all day, every day? Anyway, it’s best not to dwell on that too much, dumpling, just eat your food pellets.