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Over the past few weeks, I’ve alluded to the day Megabus fell several times. Well, today is their day of reckoning. And while it is true that the day Megabus fell was probably some time long, long ago — like maybe a day or two after their maiden voyage in 2006 — getting in a crash at 11:30 PM while lost in Milwaukee, in the middle of a scheduled eight hour trip, quickly deserves the adjective “apocalyptic” in my mind. Perhaps the driver sensed my approaching insanity, after the three U-turns and nausea-inducing, leaden-foot approach to hours of stop-and-go traffic, and merely created a hole in my window to accommodate me with a quick escape. There’s that famous Megabus service and professionalism, for you!

Ironically, they claim to offer “the highest level of comfort and safety”, and if that’s true, I’m genuinely frightened for the rest of our nation’s commuters. Granted, random stabbings are actually listed as an included service on the Fung Wah bus in New York, so maybe my standards are just a little off. Maybe the driver plowing through a traffic light, while attempting an impossible turn and going in the wrong direction of a one-way street, despite the panicked cries of the passengers, is just part of that “great experience and overall satisfaction” Megabus is so gosh-darned committed to providing.

Our seats were covered in glass, which we were then yelled at about by the frazzled driver, who may or may not have ever been behind the wheel of a motorized vehicle before. The hours of Cruisin’ USA experience Megabus integrates into their training courses were, apparently, not quite enough practice.

Don’t let these pictures fool you — the cops were only there to escort us to a grocery store so the crew could buy enough duct tape to adhere a cardboard box to the gaping hole in the side of the bus. Fleeing the scene of an accident and reversing over a landscaped island in the process? Not a ticketable offense in Milwaukee.

90 miles to Chicago. God help us all.