Posts Tagged "Weed"

05.12.2013

Ganja Gremlin

It’s hard to choose just one quotable from this diatribe of cluelessness (seriously, and they think potheads are the dumb ones…), so I’m going to pick it apart the same way I would pick through a bag of poorly-trimmed schwag.

say no weed still be cool Ganja Gremlin

“I like my peaceful brain.” “No, I’m allergic to hate.” “I never inject, weed sucks!” “No, weed makes you mean.”

Whoever wrote this clearly doesn’t understand marijuana’s primary effects, and is perhaps not entirely sure of what weed even is.

Yo lemme get a puff of that pure hatred, dogg. Can’t wait to get me some blood red eyes, radiating my inner seething hate for everything that isn’t weed.

“I’m calling the cops on you.” Oh yeah, I’d say that really qualifies as saying no to weed and still being cool about it.

“Do you think I’m an idiot?!” Um… kind of, considering you thought people actually inject weed. Frankly, I’m not sure they even make syringes big enough to fit the kind of dank azz nugz I get.

Nobody thought of, “No thanks man, but enjoy yourself”? Is being cool about saying no to weed really that hard? Based on the severe uncoolness of all the above-listed options, one can only deduce that it’s actually impossible to say no to weed and still be cool. So, light that joint, losers, because your only hope is in dope.

“Ask me again in 10,000 years.” WE’LL BE WAITING, WESLEY.

12.10.2012

Bowl Cuts

There are probably a fairly limited number of you who are going to actually care about what I’m about to show you, but it’s my blog, and I’ll bore you all to tears if I want to. I was going to say “bore you all to death,” but I already beat one murder charge, and I’m not about to go through that hassle again. Such a nightmare.

In any case, if you know me, you know I’m not much for psychotropic drugs. Personally, the problem with smoking dope is not so much that it’s illegal, it’s that it’s just plain immoral. You know what my mother used to call marijuana? The Devil’s Pubic Hair. And if your pubic hair looked like that, you wouldn’t want to smoke it, so why are you going to smoke his? It made a lot of sense.

Nonetheless, there are some particularly creative potheads out there, despite their significant character flaws, and some of them are cooking up some pretty entertaining ways to get baked! Check out these incredible glass pipes by Hedcraft, dealers of custom smokeware and who knows what else.

piranha plant bowl Bowl Cuts

Just like the Piranha Plants from whence this piece was inspired, dabble with this guy too much and you’re going to be losing some major coin.

yoda bowl Bowl Cuts

The Force is strong with this one, but this Sour Diesel is much stronger, yes?

And that lightsaber poker is just fucking dope, no shamefully obvious drug-related pun intended.

cookie monster bowl Bowl Cuts

Look, I’m just going to say what we’re all thinking here. Hmm… cookies.

All of this fine paraphernalia can be acquired at Hedcraft’s etsy store, unsurprisingly, considering that’s where all the hippies go to sell their moonstone bracelets and hand-painted power crystals and whatnot.

09.11.2012

Go to the mountain if you must

After a breakup, your main priority should be taking care of yourself. And there’s nothing wrong with pampering yourself a little bit, while you’re at it. Maybe buy something you’ve been meaning to for a while — a pricey piece of jewelry, or a fabulous new outfit, or maybe even some psychotropic drugs. Go on, indulge, you deserve it.

headband Go to the mountain if you must

Remember, an important step in mourning the end of a long-term relationship is hiding from reality, cloaked in a haze of intoxication! I’m not sure which step exactly that is, but it’s somewhere in between the “awkward, regretful one-night stand” and “throwing TV out of window” stages of grief.

boxes of herbs Go to the mountain if you must

This kind of professionalism is hard to find in close-minded areas of the country that don’t like making pots of money (no pun intended… seriously), or aren’t big cities where crime, debauchery and drugs run rampant, like scary old New York. And I guess it’s not that hard to find in not-so-scary new New York. If you know, you know, and if you don’t know, I feel sorry for you.

08.31.2012

The dopest dope

Look, I try hard not to be “that guy” when it comes to weed, even if I totally am. You know “that guy,” he’s the guy who’s always trying to tell you about how awesome his bud is, or show you “all those fuckin’ red fuckin’ hairs man,” or “those motherfucking crystals!!!!!” It’s boring, and more than that, it’s annoying - definitely for people who don’t give a shit about weed, but it’s probably even annoying for pot heads too, because they’re just like, “Okay, looks good, dude… can we, like, smoke this shit already?”

master kush The dopest dope

That said, you’d have to be fucking Rudy Giuliani not to recognize this as art, right here. I mean, this may as well be the fucking art particle.

master kush2 The dopest dope

Shit is positively radioactive. At least… that’s what it feels like.

It’s almost a shame to smoke it. It’s like… killing a unicorn… with, like, a bomb.

I’ve sampled some… okay, a little bit more than “some,” but I’ve sampled some pretty potent strains of California medicine in my time. All told, this probably takes the prize for aesthetics alone. Also, time? Man, when you think about it, what even is time? Never mind how you would go about owning some for yourself once you finally managed to figure out what it was… you know?

But, fuck it. That’s right, I said buttfuck it. For every snobbish asshole in Napa with their nose dipped in a glass of Sauvignon Blanc, I think I’ve earned the right to be something of a self-proclaimed connoisseur when it comes to a particular herbal luxury. When I start going on about the cut of my crack rocks, then, by all means, feel free to become concerned.

And, in conclusion: those motherfucking crystals!!!!!

08.20.2012

Half Baked Highdeas: Vapor Poo Pizza

Salutations, ghouls and gals. Today, I’d like to introduce a new feature that I’ll be dredging up from time to time. Half Baked Highdeas was actually a highdea itself (go figure) that I came up with a few days ago, realizing my years of experience with marijuana has left me more of a legacy than just resin-coated lungs and a steadily deteriorating short term memory.

Indeed, somewhere amidst the verbatim logs of Wet Hot American Summer and the endless boxes of Cheez-Its, it seems I’ve actually remembered a few worthwhile tips and tricks. Accordingly, I’ve decided to pass on these little nuggets of wisdom and quick edible pot preparations that can help you out if you’re in a pinch or simply spice up your smoking. And with any luck, this will eventually segue into a career hosting deranged pothead cooking shows on the Food Network. Think Good Eats, only with more gummy bears and less actual science.

half baked highdeas vapor poo pizza Half Baked Highdeas: Vapor Poo Pizza

Stoners of the world, I think we can all agree on one thing: the only bad thing about weed is that, eventually, it runs out. Burnouts on a budget have sought ways to stretch their stash for probably as long as people have been smoking the stuff. Inevitably, the highest order of these intrepid tokers have turned to vaporizers after a combination of health and financial concerns made the decision a no-brainer, an especially easy decision for those whose brains resemble a frying pan full of scrambled eggs. If you’re familiar with vaporizers, you already know that they’re far and away the most economical mode of cannabis consumption. But aside from just using far less bud than bong, bowl or blunt, the vaporized leftovers are great for reheating, just like, well, real leftovers!

The thing is, already vaped bud (AVB) might smell like burned popcorn, but it’s far from burned. That’s the whole point of vaporizing in the first place — you never heat the pot to the point of combustion, which means there’s all kinds of fun stuff leftover that would normally be dust at the bottom of your bowl. The brown, desiccated remains of your vaporizer sessions long forgot might not look as tasty as they used to, but they’re still chock full of psychoactive compounds. It’s just up to you, master chef, to coax those “flavors” out.

avb in container Half Baked Highdeas: Vapor Poo Pizza
AVB and a few rogue stems

Today’s Half Baked Highdea combines two of my favorite things: weed and pizza. These two paragons of greatness go well together as it is, but it was time to make the dynamic duo that much more dynamic. What could be better than pizza that not only cures the munchies, but also causes them? Here, I’ll just answer that for you - nothing. Nothing is better. Nothing ever will be better.

If that wasn’t enough of a recommendation though, here are a few more benefits:

  • “Cooking” it is virtually odorless — outside of the delicious aroma of microwaved pizza, there’s none of that familiar, overwhelming scent of weed wafting through your apartment that typically comes with cooking cannabis products / outrages neighbors.
  • It takes, like, a minute to prepare. That doesn’t include eating time, but it could, if you’re a real animal.
  • And, finally, it’s an easy and effective way to use all your AVB - which you should be saving in the first place - so you’ll get that much more mileage out of your stash.

avb on spoon Half Baked Highdeas: Vapor Poo Pizza

You will need:

  • Somewhere between 3/4 and a whole tablespoon of AVB - the less “roasted” the better
  • A slice of already baked pizza (ABP, as opposed to AVP, which is a pretty good movie to watch after you eat this shit)
  • A microwave oven

The trick here is microwaving AVB on the leftover pizza so it gets just hot enough for those remaining cannabinoids to bond with the fat in the cheese and oil. Take somewhere around a whole teaspoon of AVB and sprinkle it on a slice of delicious, day-old pizza. It looks just like oregano (bonus stealth points), and while it won’t taste quite as nice, it does so by not really tasting like much at all. “Vapor Poo Pizza” might not be the most appetizing of names, but it’s really not bad. Granted, I didn’t pour heaps of the stuff on my slices, but the taste of a quality slice of pie pretty much overwhelms any weediness.

Heat your slice for about 20 seconds to start. You want the cheese to just start melting around the AVB and getting all greasy. Grease, good. No more mopping up slices with paper towels for you, sissy! If the cheese isn’t melted enough, keep heating it in bursts of 10 seconds until it’s looking something like these bad boys…

pizza with avb Half Baked Highdeas: Vapor Poo Pizza

Of course, now comes the most important part of the process. Eatin’ time! Keep in mind it’ll take at least an hour for you to start feeling effects, and you may get increasingly stoned for another hour after that. So, it’s probably a good idea to hold off on chomping down another slice until at least a couple hours have passed. If, however, a couple hours pass and you feel uncontrollably compelled to eat more pizza, along with everything else in the fridge, do not be concerned. Chances are, you’re already feeling the effects.

What to expect? A long-lasting, contented, body-heavy high. It won’t be super heady since you’ve already vaped out much of the THC, but it’s a pretty good recipe for a relaxing night on the couch in front of space documentaries or something. If you’re into that. Thinking about how looking up at the stars is actually looking back in time can be stressful for some, I understand. Space is some crazy fucking shit, man. Hey, come to think of it, I think my pizza must be kicking in!

So there you have it! You’re on your way to making both your leftover pizza and your leftover vaporized bud all that they can be. That said, I think it’ll still be a while before we see AVB as a mystery ingredient on Iron Chef or anything, but that doesn’t mean that cooking with it isn’t a damn good highdea.

08.17.2012

Scandal Makers

Ah, Friday. It feels good to be inside you.

vaporizer elbow pack Scandal Makers

8 PM on a Friday is probably the most pointless time you could possibly choose to update a blog at, but when the blogging gods call your name, it’s wise to listen to what they have to say. Usually, all they want is a fresh flick of some artfully-shot sweater meat, but this time, we decided to trade boobs for drugs and pussy. That’s right. I got your pussy right here, boys. Me-yow.

gozer portrait Scandal Makers

Disappointed are we? Hey, it’s not my fault you never learned what homonyms were. If anything, you should be disappointed in your grade school education, not me.

This one goes out to all of my readers who aren’t out doing something with their Friday night. Just doing my small part to help in any way I can, because, man, you guys are nerds.

08.10.2012

Onward through the fog

Sharing a cigarette has never been so easy and weird.

cigarette pipe Onward through the fog

I love the look on the guy’s face, like, “Are you sure about this?” And she’s all like, “Take a fucking drag, you bitch.”

Something tells me the creators had a different kind of cigarette in mind when they devised that thing… and speaking of! When it comes to sharing the wacky tobacky, well, it’s never really weird enough, now is it?

toys for the mind Onward through the fog

Look! They’ve got one for every type of psychonaut and cosmic traveler! Wowie!

  • Gamma Probe 1 — sentient nonorganic lifeforms/synthentics/cyborgs/what have you
  • Enterprise Stash Bong — for the chipper young space cadet with a secret
  • Lightnin’ Laser — the preferred piece for ‘space cowboys’, lawless mercenaries lost in time who now loot, pillage, you know, all that good stuff

I played with a lot of mind expanding toys in my day. Some nice ones, too, at least in my opinion. But man, looking at this ad from 1978, you realize they just don’t quite make them like they used to. Glow in the dark tubing! Swivel action trigger carb! I don’t even know what that is, but it sounds fucking awesome!

And speaking of awesome… or perhaps awe-inspiring would be a better word…

power hitter ad Onward through the fog

Indeed, it’s probably not a bad way to see god. Or at least the ceiling, if nothing else.

However, exactly when the fuck was this “America’s No. 1 Smoking Device”? In my dreams last night? C’mon.

07.10.2012

Eat Oliver Stone's shit and call it caviar

randy macho man savages poster Eat Oliver Stones shit and call it caviar

Given that my years of marijuana usage have undoubtedly padded the pockets of a few Mexican drug cartels along the way, it seemed only right that I offer a few of my stray thoughts on Oliver Stone’s Savages, aka Bill & Ted’s Not So Excellent Adventure. On second thought, The Hills Spring Break: Nightmare In Mexico might be a more appropriate alternate title. Although, watching The Hills cast members actually get kidnapped by a Mexican drug cartel probably would have been way more awesome than this movie.

Let’s say you’re being threatened by a powerful and ruthless drug cartel, and are preparing to leave the country to go into hiding. Does going to the mall “one last time” really seem necessary, or even safe for that matter? Those sale shoes are going to look like a cruel joke once you’ve had your feet lopped off by a chainsaw.

This has surely been said already, but what the fuck was Oliver Stone smoking when he concocted this turd? The moral of this twisted little love story: don’t smoke and write screenplays, kids. And, uh, don’t take shotgun hits from Benicio Del Toro, either.

benicio del toro shotgun savages Eat Oliver Stones shit and call it caviar

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06.06.2012

Don't smoke 'em if ya got 'em

The times, they are a-changin’.

dime aint no crime ny post Dont smoke em if ya got em

You know, I’ve never been much for smoking (cough), but this is great news, nonetheless. I’m sick of hiding my dime bag collection from the world. It’s an art form, really.

03.21.2012

Only slightly above the influence

I’ve decided I don’t want to live in a world where these are illegal in most places.

edi pure watermelon tart Only slightly above the influence

[image via full-monty]

How long must we wait for New York lawmakers to get the right highdea and legalize medical marijuana? We’ve got 8 million pissed off, stressed out assholes shuffling their miserable way through this city every single day. This is exactly the kind of medicine New York City needs, god damn it! And look, I’m not going to bullshit with you here… to be perfectly honest, it’s less the medicinal aspect I care about, and more the fact that I just really want to try some of those dumb watermelon slices.

Oh, and excuse the - heh - high frequency of weed-related posts lately if that’s not your thing, even though you should be aware that makes you, like, such a nerd. I guess the good weather brings out the fiend in me. And, well, I also just really like weed, so… yeah.

03.17.2012

Go Green

identifying weed Go Green

Green beer’s okay I guess, but I prefer green green, if you know what I mean.