Posts Tagged "rampant stupidity"

05.12.2013

Ganja Gremlin

It’s hard to choose just one quotable from this diatribe of cluelessness (seriously, and they think potheads are the dumb ones…), so I’m going to pick it apart the same way I would pick through a bag of poorly-trimmed schwag.

say no weed still be cool Ganja Gremlin

“I like my peaceful brain.” “No, I’m allergic to hate.” “I never inject, weed sucks!” “No, weed makes you mean.”

Whoever wrote this clearly doesn’t understand marijuana’s primary effects, and is perhaps not entirely sure of what weed even is.

Yo lemme get a puff of that pure hatred, dogg. Can’t wait to get me some blood red eyes, radiating my inner seething hate for everything that isn’t weed.

“I’m calling the cops on you.” Oh yeah, I’d say that really qualifies as saying no to weed and still being cool about it.

“Do you think I’m an idiot?!” Um… kind of, considering you thought people actually inject weed. Frankly, I’m not sure they even make syringes big enough to fit the kind of dank azz nugz I get.

Nobody thought of, “No thanks man, but enjoy yourself”? Is being cool about saying no to weed really that hard? Based on the severe uncoolness of all the above-listed options, one can only deduce that it’s actually impossible to say no to weed and still be cool. So, light that joint, losers, because your only hope is in dope.

“Ask me again in 10,000 years.” WE’LL BE WAITING, WESLEY.

11.13.2012

Tuck your tummy tight and do your crunches like this

I think we can all agree that some incredibly lame shit is circulating out there in the world today thanks to the meddling efforts of oblivious, well-do-to goons who don’t know the first thing about skateboarding. There’s a reason the fundamental design of a skateboard has not been largely changed or improved in the 50-some years that skateboards have actually existed — it is essentially perfect already. No amount of added wheels, or snaking, segmented sections, or hand-breaking mechanisms will ever make a significant positive impact on your skateboarding experience. In fact, most attempts to update the tried-and-true formula result in little more than laugh-worthy new ways to hurt yourself and look stupid while doing it.

Then, on the other side of the spectrum, there’s also no shortage of people trying to find new, fashionable applications for skateboards. Rather than reinvent the skateboard, these intrepid innovators have tried to reinvent other things using skateboards — be it furniture, platform heels, and now even work-out routines, if there’s a way to incorporate a skateboard into something that already exists, chances are good somebody has tried it, because people are greedy and oblivious. Case in point:

get those skateboard abs Tuck your tummy tight and do your crunches like this

Why you should try it
Because you’re alone, desperate, and have never done a single cool thing in your entire life.

Now, maybe I’m just biased here, but I kind of tend to think, you know, actually skateboarding would be a much better way to improve your image using a skateboard, as opposed to using a board for some emasculating work-out routine in order to attain “skateboard abs.” Doing doggy-style reps, bent over on your brand new cruiser as if you’re a brand new cruiser just doesn’t seem to exude quite the same sexiness. Maybe I’m wrong.

01.31.2012

Skater swag

Check out this still frame from Soulja Boy’s latest video, “Clueless,” uh, I mean, “50/13″. Tell me these aren’t the stupidest-looking bunch of kooks you’ve ever seen.

soulja boy 5013 Skater swag

Soulja Boy makes Lil Wayne look like Eric Koston. — Willy Staley

Naturally, I love the fat kid holding a board that doesn’t even have trucks or griptape on it. What, did he just buy that from Pac Sun and they’re celebrating in the parking lot of the mall? Worse than him though is probably the dude on the right, who I guess is really going for that hipster-irony thing with his “I am swag” t-shirt, which is so obviously incorrect.

12.05.2011

23 flavors and they all taste like stupidity to me

Anybody wondering why I hate our fucking culture, or what’s left of it anyway, look no further…

After promising early results from Dr Pepper Ten, a low-calorie version of its flagship soda, Dr Pepper is giving the same treatment to five of its other sodas. Starting as early as January, the company will start testing 7 Up Ten, Sunkist Ten, A&W Ten and Canada Dry Ten. [via Adam Riff / WSJ]

For those of you who don't know (since I didn't), Dr Pepper Ten is an abomination of perfectly American stupidity created after Dr Pepper's research team discovered that men "shy away from diet drinks that aren't perceived as 'manly' enough." Dr Pepper Ten has a whopping ten calories, and somehow packs enough masculinity to be worth putting in the bladder of a god-fearing man's man. Ten calories doesn't seem like it would really make a difference, but hey, what do I know about the typical testosterone-to-calorie ratio found in soft drinks? After all, I drink Diet Coke.

Seriously though, I want to find every idiot out there who won't drink diet soda because it's "not manly enough" and saw their idiot balls off with a crude blade fashioned out of a cut-up diet soda can.

dr pepper ten 23 flavors and they all taste like stupidity to me

Why would you want to be in a "lady-free zone"? Does anyone actually prefer "rugged, macho, hair-on-your-chest awesomeness" to ladies? Again, I'm probably just not manly enough to understand.

Here’s a clue, Dr Pepper: there isn’t any soda manly enough, diet or otherwise, and there never will be. That’s why beer exists. Duh.

11.30.2011

Rise of the Machines

Centuries from now, alien scientists researching human culture at the dawn of the 21st century will come to a single, unanimous opinion, “those dummies sure wasted a lot of time.”

Case in point: this video.

Future case in point: this video may well have over a million views by the end of the week.

Please note the motivational poster hanging on the back wall of the room. “Potential.” Heh. How apropos.

YouTube tells me that there is “no description available” for the video, but I think a more accurate message would be, “no description adequate,” don’t you?

11.02.2011

Keep on truckin'

You really want to know why cockroaches will be around at the end of time, and humans will be but a faint memory in the cockroach collective consciousness of a time when there were really good snacks? It’s not because cockroaches are hard to kill, breed like a pestilence or can survive on a diet based completely on actual, literal shit. No, my friends. It’s even more obvious than that. It’s because cockroaches don’t hit other cockroaches in the balls for fun.

Imagine if, after a lifetime of various deeds and accomplishments, “the most intense thing you’ve ever done” amounted to taking a tractor-trailer tire in the sac. Would your gravestone simply read, “He was loved. But not by his nuts”… or maybe just, “May his bits and pieces rest in pieces”?

In the end, I suppose it’s just natural selection at work. For every man out there predisposed to allow others to drop incredibly heavy things on his balls, that just makes for a greater chance that were won’t be quite as many men out there predisposed to allow others to drop incredibly heavy things on their balls in the next generation. Sure, advances in technology and modern medicine may have made it possible for the weakest or sickest of our species to survive, reproduce and fill the world with more sickly weaklings, but maybe that’s why the early 21st Century saw such an incredible surge in people being hit in the balls as entertainment. It’s just nature trying to keep a balance.

09.10.2011

Blood Drunk

2001 was a very good year

911 anniversary commemorative chardonnay Blood Drunk

…ch’yeah, for warmongers and robber barons, amiright?

I’m tasting subtle hues of war profiteering, with just a hint of revisionist history and - oh! - dashes of misinformation swirling about. It is a tad bitter going down, though, I must say.

Happy Anniversary, terrorists. And I’m not talking about the ones in the Middle East, either.

08.13.2011

Home Remedies

florida teen myths Home Remedies

Note to self: Never have sex with an alligator who took sex-ed in Florida.

05.18.2011

More suburban than urban

So, I feel like it doesn’t really need to be said that Urban Outfitters is a store built by lames, for lames, and that subsequently, everything about it and inside of it is also lame. As a result, I’d prefer not to waste any time impaling them as such, since it’s a fairly obvious fact as it is. But this latest marketing ploy by the purveyor of generic trendiness is approaching such dazzling heights of lameness that pointing it out seems like more of a public service than a needless rant, as far as I’m concerned.

urban outfitters bodega facade More suburban than urban

Mocked-up Urban Outfitters bodega facade - photo via psfk.com

According to the Wall Street Journal, Urban Outfitters is opening a new store in New York’s Upper West Side with a corny facade split into four fake storefronts: a hat store, a hardware store, a dive bar and a bodega. They’re effectively creating a fake city block fashioned after “the old New York,” essentially what the city was like before shitty chain stores like Urban Outfitters started showing up. Coincidentally, it’s also a period of time in NYC history that Urban Outfitters knows fuck all about, considering they’re a Philadelphia-based retailer, giving this already ludicrously contrived project all the authenticity of a pair of silicon implants. Personally, I think the comparison to a bloated, fake boob is pretty fucking appropriate.

Ron Pompei, creative director of Pompei A.D., the agency responsible for the store’s stupid design, had the following to say:

The whole idea was to do this kind of ironic statement of lining the building with storefronts that would be reminiscent of independent businesses. It’s the story about the streets of New York as they once were.

Can’t you just smell the shit radiating off of that quote? Dude is absolutely FULL OF IT. So it’s ironic… but it’s also a genuine tribute to “the streets of New York as they once were.” Mr Pompei, you are quite obviously talking out of your asshole.

I love how he makes an effort to reference the independent businesses they’ll be basing their facade on — the exact independent businesses huge retailers like Urban Outfitters have helped put out of business… and onto the streets of New York as they are now, more closely resembling a suburban strip mall than the backdrop of The Warriors. Opinions on which version of the city is better vary, based primarily on your average yearly income and how big of a sissy you are.

Urban Outfitters doesn’t have any other bodega-themed stores, Mr. Pompei says. It does, however, offer a women’s “Loomstate Bodega Tank” for $110.

icon rolleyes More suburban than urban

It’s so bad I feel like stabbing myself more than him. Incredible.

10.25.2010

Surf Wax Europa

People give the American youth culture a lot of shit for being too crazy, but I think a better description would be too lazy. Getting fucked up on Robitussin is nowhere near as adventurous, or as dumb, as climbing on top of a moving train dressed like a terrorist.

Fucking Euros… always picking up on the new trends first.

The documentary, such that it is, starts off pretty fucking weird — and not to say that dudes hanging off the side of a bullet train isn’t weird in its own right — but it’s worth sitting through for the insane heights of exhilarating stupidity that come afterwards.

Oh, and I’m no medical doctor, but I’m pretty sure the dude at the end isn’t dead or otherwise harmed. Looks less like blood on his pants and more like his cohorts drizzled hot chocolate all over them. Delicious, but not particularly good special effects.

02.16.2010

This looks like fun

I present to you, the Sit n’ Skate, also commonly referred to as “the worst invention in the history of bad inventions.” There are aliens watching this from space, and they are laughing.

sit n skate This looks like fun

Not only is this “invention” (a term I’m using generously here since it’s really more of a monstrosity if you want to get technical) insane looking, the whole concept is just insane, period. What, are you supposed to be going down hill constantly? Otherwise, trying to shuffle your legs to gain momentum is going to look like a dog dragging its ass across the backyard. Although, if you’re sitting on one of those things in the first place, I suppose things like “appearance” and “dignity” aren’t really a concern anyway.