H-hello? Is anybody out there? We’ll see, I guess.
So, I’ve been quite delinquent in my blogging responsibilities ever since I moved out of New York, but Dedleg has nevertheless been on my mind. I suppose I’d been avoiding the little guy, because I was embarrassed and ashamed about being such a bad friend. But we’re still besties, don’t you worry, and I’m going to try to give this heaping pile of free association and creative wind-breaking a little more attention from now on.
Of course, I make this oath to be somewhat more productive knowing full well that I’m moving again at the end of the month. Don’t get too excited — I’m not going back to New York. Not yet anyway. I signed an 8-month lease on the top floor of a cool hideout in Northampton, MA, a whopping 5 minutes down the road from where I’ve been crashing the past couple months.
My brother’s home is nice and all, but… come on, it’s not exactly a hideout, and do you really think Dedleg deserves anything less? I’m the harbinger of death on four wheels, a shadow in a dark room, I’m no mere apartment dweller. I’m more of a castle-in-the-sky type, you know? Anyway, I didn’t quite land a castle, what with my limited income and all, but I did manage to score a place with a balcony.
Anyway, the other day I took a little walk around the neighborhood so you can see where I’m staying. It’s a little rough around the edges, but hey, it’s home.
I think we can all agree that some incredibly lame shit is circulating out there in the world today thanks to the meddling efforts of oblivious, well-do-to goons who don’t know the first thing about skateboarding. There’s a reason the fundamental design of a skateboard has not been largely changed or improved in the 50-some years that skateboards have actually existed — it is essentially perfect already. No amount of added wheels, or snaking, segmented sections, or hand-breaking mechanisms will ever make a significant positive impact on your skateboarding experience. In fact, most attempts to update the tried-and-true formula result in little more than laugh-worthy new ways to hurt yourself and look stupid while doing it.
Then, on the other side of the spectrum, there’s also no shortage of people trying to find new, fashionable applications for skateboards. Rather than reinvent the skateboard, these intrepid innovators have tried to reinvent other things using skateboards — be it furniture, platform heels, and now even work-out routines, if there’s a way to incorporate a skateboard into something that already exists, chances are good somebody has tried it, because people are greedy and oblivious. Case in point:
Why you should try it
Because you’re alone, desperate, and have never done a single cool thing in your entire life.
Now, maybe I’m just biased here, but I kind of tend to think, you know, actually skateboarding would be a much better way to improve your image using a skateboard, as opposed to using a board for some emasculating work-out routine in order to attain “skateboard abs.” Doing doggy-style reps, bent over on your brand new cruiser as if you’re a brand new cruiser just doesn’t seem to exude quite the same sexiness. Maybe I’m wrong.
Oh, Internet. Just when I thought I might be bored of you forever, you go and blow my mind like it’s the Double Rainbow video all over again.
I want you to take a look at that image. Study it. For in it, you will see real truth, which is a very rare commodity these days.
Tonight is the most hallowed of all eves, the eve of hallowed weens. With that in mind, happy hallowedest of wieners from your friends, Dedleg and Gozer The Destructor. And don’t settle for any bad candy tonight. Unless by “bad candy,” you actually mean drugs. But those orange styrofoam peanuts? Yeah, you can leave those at the door.
This clip from a little Nike SB trip to China is just more proof, as far as I’m concerned.
The YouTube Goon Squad agrees, too:
It’s an interesting trio to take — on the one hand you’ve got Zigram23, the most technically advanced skateboarding Terminator ever designed. Then you’ve got, as I said, the skateboarding Jesus, and finally, Alex Campbell, a… uh… skateboarding… skateboarder? What does it all mean? What’s the common thread? Well, they’re all Australian, of course. The Aussies Take China Tour. I’m not sure if that’s what the name of the tour actually was, but in any case… it should have been.
The most important thing to take away from this clip, though, I think, is every one of Nick Boserio’s tricks. Dude is just fucking killing it. That bomb he throws over the corner in that paradise of a skate spot at 3:32 is just unreal. What ever it is about his maniac, seconds-from-death style really tickles my skateboarding bone.
Sorry. Couldn’t help myself, New York. Be safe, stay inside, and stay high… literally and figuratively.
There might be a monster of a storm ravaging the East Coast right now, but let’s not forget mother nature isn’t the only merciless killer on a rampage out there. No, man-made food products have been doing that just fine for quite some time now.
That’s right, kids! Energy drinks aren’t just killing skateboarding anymore — now they’re killing average, normal human beings, in addition to us measly subhumans!
Is that “Absolutely Zero” short for “Absolutely zero reasons why you should put this liquid inside your body” by any chance?
Generally speaking, anything that tastes that much like chemicals is probably not so good for you to be ingesting with any regularity.
Thinking about how I slurped down some of this deathly swill mere days ago is making me feel a little bit bad about myself now… but I guess I probably should feel bad about that regardless of any silly “health scares” or whatever. It sounds strange to say, but there are plenty of reasons not to pour any of this shit into your guts aside from the fact that it could be potentially fatal. For one, thing it tastes like an old shipment of Ecto Cooler that got lost in Chernobyl for about a decade. Beyond that though, it’s got to be one of the single lamest brands in the great, cavernous Action Sports Hall of Lameness, which is quite a testament to just how uncool it is, let me tell you. Hell, the fact that this shit could kill you actually almost makes it cooler.
I’m going out of town for the weekend, ya’ll. The Hulkster goes to Heaven.
Pitchfork: At various points in your career, it seems like you could’ve started working with people within the rap establishment but you never did it. Any particular reason?
Slug: I don’t want this to sound weird, but I don’t want to make music with people I don’t know, so fuck that. I don’t want to end up being that guy on a song with some guy who, later in life, beats the shit out of his wife or kicks puppies or something.
Hip hop with priorities other than getting like 30 chainz or pursuing a career in skateboarding. Huh. Go figure.
Just one more reason why Atmosphere will always be one of the best underground rap groups in history. Because even with their moderate amount of mainstream success, they are still underground. Their sound may be shifting following the addition of a live band a few years ago and as Slug himself inches closer to 40, but I’d rather a group mature and change than outright sell-out or jump on some dork squad trend. Anyway, here’s another good reason though, just in case you aren’t familiar…
This is like the least newsworthy blog posting in the history of irrelevant blogging, but as a newly-single guy in his late twenties who drinks way too much, I find myself relating to Slug’s words more now than even when I first fell under Atmosphere’s spell as a guy who just moved to Chicago in his early twenties and drank way too much.
Crabs! I’m up to my neck in work right now. And yes, this is kind of a hint about something I’m working on… don’t worry, you’ll be able to wait it out… if you hold your breath.
If you haven’t watched John Cardiel’s SOTY part in a while, you buggin’. And if you’ve never seen it in the first place, you really buggin’ hard. Like Starship Troopers level buggin’ up in this bitch.
Keep in mind this part is originally from 1992. 20 years ago, and if you saw this shit go down today you’d still be blown out of your pot leaf all-over-print socks.
Basically, it’s a succinct, and often breathtaking reminder of why John Cardiel is now recognized as a true god of skateboarding. And not some kind of demigod either, because we’ve got plenty of those too. But outside of Cardiel, there is a very short list of names that could be comfortably compared at the same level and I think almost all of them are “Mark Gonzales.”