Deep Thoughts

05.31.2013

Yo what's good New York

beer me Yo whats good New York

Hello again, New York. For the next 96 hours, I am in you. It’s gonna be a wild ride (hopefully).

04.26.2013

You were just a turd out there

I was going to put up a post about my own art today, but then I ran across something that really just… shit all over my work by comparison.

paul mccarthy inflatable turd You were just a turd out there

big pile of shit You were just a turd out there

Paul McCarthy’s inflatable mountain of crap at the future site of Hong Kong’s M+ Museum was just too fetid, too feculent too ignore. I’m sure this one’s got plenty of art detractors crying foul, arguing an inflatable stack of stink doesn’t exactly pass the smell test in the great “is it art” debate. Personally, I’ve always found the art crowd to be full of shit, so I don’t really see what the problem is.

Sure gives new resonance to the term “arts and farts and crafts.” It would sure take a lot of farting to inflate that thing, but I couldn’t find any information on whether or not the artist used farts or just normal air, so the authenticity of the piece is yet to be seen.

04.25.2013

Progressive

Hi, Internet. Like the most stereotypical blogger on earth, I come to you a humble man. I have long neglected my blog and am about to begin my first post in months with an excuse about why I haven’t been updating. You see, I’ve had a lot on my mind. A lot of substances in large quantities for sustained periods of time, specifically, but lots of other things too, I’m sure. I mean, something had to have been going on up there when I was making mac n’ cheese all those times.

In any case, the reality is I’m mad busy and blogging don’t pay the bills and sometimes a dude just wants to go skateboarding in his free time instead of screaming into the e-byss. (Get it? E-byss? Oh man, I can’t believing blogging don’t pay the bills when I’m coming up with gold like that. Pure blogging alchemy, and I give it away for free.) Plus, I scream into the e-byss plenty on Twitter because it’s the path of least resistence. Blogging takes work, and the reality is, while I don’t want to set up a Tumblr all I really want to be doing is posting pictures like this:

lizard mohawk Progressive

‘Cuz that shit made me laugh for a while. Your mileage may vary. But hey, I figured it was better than nothing, which is not necessarily the case with this man’s hair.

12.10.2012

Bowl Cuts

There are probably a fairly limited number of you who are going to actually care about what I’m about to show you, but it’s my blog, and I’ll bore you all to tears if I want to. I was going to say “bore you all to death,” but I already beat one murder charge, and I’m not about to go through that hassle again. Such a nightmare.

In any case, if you know me, you know I’m not much for psychotropic drugs. Personally, the problem with smoking dope is not so much that it’s illegal, it’s that it’s just plain immoral. You know what my mother used to call marijuana? The Devil’s Pubic Hair. And if your pubic hair looked like that, you wouldn’t want to smoke it, so why are you going to smoke his? It made a lot of sense.

Nonetheless, there are some particularly creative potheads out there, despite their significant character flaws, and some of them are cooking up some pretty entertaining ways to get baked! Check out these incredible glass pipes by Hedcraft, dealers of custom smokeware and who knows what else.

piranha plant bowl Bowl Cuts

Just like the Piranha Plants from whence this piece was inspired, dabble with this guy too much and you’re going to be losing some major coin.

yoda bowl Bowl Cuts

The Force is strong with this one, but this Sour Diesel is much stronger, yes?

And that lightsaber poker is just fucking dope, no shamefully obvious drug-related pun intended.

cookie monster bowl Bowl Cuts

Look, I’m just going to say what we’re all thinking here. Hmm… cookies.

All of this fine paraphernalia can be acquired at Hedcraft’s etsy store, unsurprisingly, considering that’s where all the hippies go to sell their moonstone bracelets and hand-painted power crystals and whatnot.

10.29.2012

You've created a monster

There might be a monster of a storm ravaging the East Coast right now, but let’s not forget mother nature isn’t the only merciless killer on a rampage out there. No, man-made food products have been doing that just fine for quite some time now.

That’s right, kids! Energy drinks aren’t just killing skateboarding anymore — now they’re killing average, normal human beings, in addition to us measly subhumans!

monster fda death reports Youve created a monster

Is that “Absolutely Zero” short for “Absolutely zero reasons why you should put this liquid inside your body” by any chance?

Generally speaking, anything that tastes that much like chemicals is probably not so good for you to be ingesting with any regularity.

Thinking about how I slurped down some of this deathly swill mere days ago is making me feel a little bit bad about myself now… but I guess I probably should feel bad about that regardless of any silly “health scares” or whatever. It sounds strange to say, but there are plenty of reasons not to pour any of this shit into your guts aside from the fact that it could be potentially fatal. For one, thing it tastes like an old shipment of Ecto Cooler that got lost in Chernobyl for about a decade. Beyond that though, it’s got to be one of the single lamest brands in the great, cavernous Action Sports Hall of Lameness, which is quite a testament to just how uncool it is, let me tell you. Hell, the fact that this shit could kill you actually almost makes it cooler.

10.16.2012

We dug a hole for you

ted danson creepshow We dug a hole for you

Crabs! I’m up to my neck in work right now. And yes, this is kind of a hint about something I’m working on… don’t worry, you’ll be able to wait it out… if you hold your breath.

10.09.2012

A bit of a trotter, a bit of a rotter

In these dark times - and I’m talking about my personal life, here, not like, the state of the dumb world or something - it’s important for me to keep myself busy. And so, I’ve been doing as any recently shattered human being would, and am foraging for irresponsible hobbies. Thankfully, it turns out balt salts weren’t for me, so I’ve moved on to a new mania…

motor mania A bit of a trotter, a bit of a rotter

Mole: Ratty! It isn’t. He hasn’t!
Rat: It is, and he has it: a new mania. Motor mania!

Please Mr. Toad, just drive, get us as far as far can be, get us away from tonight.

Big points to whoever gets that reference and doesn’t just think I’m some kind of emo. Although, if you do get the reference, then you’ll know I’m an emo. Damn it!

08.31.2012

Reactor: On

So, here’s a bit of news that might stir the loins of Del The Funky Homosapien’s loyal followers, or fans of Dan the Automator, or fans of psychedelic, mind-melting hip hop epics in general. The long-awaited, nigh-legendary followup to seminal post-apocalyptic hip hop concept album Deltron 3030 is set for an “October-ish” release, according to producer Automator.

deltron 3030 event ii artwork Reactor: On

“October-ish” isn’t necessarily the most reassuring release date for a project that has languished in rap limbo for the past six years, but the fact that the group played ten new songs in June at the Luminato festival in Toronto, Ontario, and are talking openly about the album in Rolling Stone is a little more confidence-inspiring. And you know what else is? This quote from Dan the Automator:

“Basically, I think this record is a lot better than the last one.”

Fuck man, triple-jointed cybernetic fingers crossed!

Personally, I can’t wait to put the vinyl on, and sit back with a crisp pint of Positive Contact, Dan the Automator’s signature brew from Dogfish Head.

positive contact dogfish head Reactor: On

An ale brewed with apple cider and spiced. A positive combination of Fuji cider, slow-roasted farro, a bit of cayenne and fresh cilantro.

Named after a key track on the first album, Positive Contact is a 9% ABV hybrid of beer and cider brewed with wood-pressed Fuji apples, roasted farro, a handful of cayenne peppers and a late dose of fresh cilantro. This sweet-and-sour Belgian-ish brew is a light straw color with fruity, cider-like notes. The cayenne and alcohol give it a warming finish.

October-ish release dates, Belgian-ish brew. Typical of Deltron 3030… you try to describe it, and no matter what, you always fall a little short.

Needless to say, I will need to find a bottle of this with extreme haste. Sounds like liquid autumnal sunshine. And one hell of a hangover.

Thanks to Adam Riff and Nate, aka Junkyard Dog, for the head’s up on all of this, b.t. dubs.

08.24.2012

Unnecessary Evil

The ad campaign for the latest turd in the post-apocalyptic turd franchise, Resident Evil, features quite possibly the worst movie poster in the history of bad movie posters (and it is a dense history at that). I mean this thing might even be worse than the Photoshop hackjob for Battle Los Angeles staining every subway station wall last year. But I guess it’s appropriate, given Resident Evil: Retribution will probably be the worst movie of all the crappy Resident Evil movies, hell, it might just be the worst movie of all crappy movies, period.

resident evil retribution poster Unnecessary Evil

When they decided to name the film “Resident Evil: Retribution,” was that because this is supposed to be some kind of retribution against moviegoers for, like, not wanting another one of these fucking movies?

Basically, the only two things this flick possibly has going for it are creepy, grotesque T-virus monsters and Milla Jovovich in sparse clothing, and instead of using either of those assets you opt for a generic world-wide catastrophe collage. It seems practically torn from the Hollywood stock photography vaults on file for bad end-of-summer disaster blockbusters that need a billboard in a pinch. There’s hardly any reason for your film to exist in the first place, and you’re going to promote this already completely pointless movie with some completely uncompelling, slapped-together Photoshop slop that features none of your principal cast or even the trademark Resident Evil creatures? Yeah, good luck with that. Then again, it’ll probably still make millions, because, like I said…

milla jovovich resident evil retribution Unnecessary Evil

…there’s always Milla Jovovich in sparse clothing.

08.11.2012

Been around the world and I, I, I, I can't find my baby

Gave myself a haircut a couple days ago. I think it came out pretty chill.

insane haircut and beard Been around the world and I, I, I, I cant find my baby

‘Sup ladies? Looking for a summer fling? Well, you can call me Summer Shwing. First name Summer, last name Shwing. Middle name also Shwing. I’m all yours.

08.10.2012

Onward through the fog

Sharing a cigarette has never been so easy and weird.

cigarette pipe Onward through the fog

I love the look on the guy’s face, like, “Are you sure about this?” And she’s all like, “Take a fucking drag, you bitch.”

Something tells me the creators had a different kind of cigarette in mind when they devised that thing… and speaking of! When it comes to sharing the wacky tobacky, well, it’s never really weird enough, now is it?

toys for the mind Onward through the fog

Look! They’ve got one for every type of psychonaut and cosmic traveler! Wowie!

  • Gamma Probe 1 — sentient nonorganic lifeforms/synthentics/cyborgs/what have you
  • Enterprise Stash Bong — for the chipper young space cadet with a secret
  • Lightnin’ Laser — the preferred piece for ‘space cowboys’, lawless mercenaries lost in time who now loot, pillage, you know, all that good stuff

I played with a lot of mind expanding toys in my day. Some nice ones, too, at least in my opinion. But man, looking at this ad from 1978, you realize they just don’t quite make them like they used to. Glow in the dark tubing! Swivel action trigger carb! I don’t even know what that is, but it sounds fucking awesome!

And speaking of awesome… or perhaps awe-inspiring would be a better word…

power hitter ad Onward through the fog

Indeed, it’s probably not a bad way to see god. Or at least the ceiling, if nothing else.

However, exactly when the fuck was this “America’s No. 1 Smoking Device”? In my dreams last night? C’mon.