A Series Of Tubes

05.12.2013

Ganja Gremlin

It’s hard to choose just one quotable from this diatribe of cluelessness (seriously, and they think potheads are the dumb ones…), so I’m going to pick it apart the same way I would pick through a bag of poorly-trimmed schwag.

say no weed still be cool Ganja Gremlin

“I like my peaceful brain.” “No, I’m allergic to hate.” “I never inject, weed sucks!” “No, weed makes you mean.”

Whoever wrote this clearly doesn’t understand marijuana’s primary effects, and is perhaps not entirely sure of what weed even is.

Yo lemme get a puff of that pure hatred, dogg. Can’t wait to get me some blood red eyes, radiating my inner seething hate for everything that isn’t weed.

“I’m calling the cops on you.” Oh yeah, I’d say that really qualifies as saying no to weed and still being cool about it.

“Do you think I’m an idiot?!” Um… kind of, considering you thought people actually inject weed. Frankly, I’m not sure they even make syringes big enough to fit the kind of dank azz nugz I get.

Nobody thought of, “No thanks man, but enjoy yourself”? Is being cool about saying no to weed really that hard? Based on the severe uncoolness of all the above-listed options, one can only deduce that it’s actually impossible to say no to weed and still be cool. So, light that joint, losers, because your only hope is in dope.

“Ask me again in 10,000 years.” WE’LL BE WAITING, WESLEY.

02.01.2013

Don't look at this

crazy loop Dont look at this

But if you do…

The trick is… I guess… that there are 3 tables. The big one, we barely see. The main one, and one more little table that we discover behind the cup. By the time we’re zoomed in on the new little table, the main table is now the “big one,” into infinity.

Regardless, understanding it doesn’t make it any less transfixing. Good luck if you’re stoned.

01.11.2013

Silently the senses abandon their defenses

I’m still here, fam, just been distracted by pizza and pizza-like products, as usual.

phantom pizza rolls Silently the senses abandon their defenses

You know how it is.

12.26.2012

The stars are just pathetic, like us!

Alternate title: The Cheesy Gordita Crunch stands alone.

Always knew there was something about this kid I liked.

macaulay culkin taco bell The stars are just pathetic, like us!

I mean, with friends like Harry and Marv, who wouldn’t want to be alone during the holidays? Amiright? Also, with friends like Taco Bell, who needs real friends anyway?

12.12.2012

Wall-mounted horseman of the apocalypse

Ladies and gentlegerms, meet Billy the Big Mouth Bass. Billy used to be a cultural icon of gloriously irritating kitch. But as his prominence in our stinking pop culture stew faded over the years, Billy turned to partying to fill the void in his animatronic heart. Wild partying turned more desperate over the years as Billy slipped into a nightmarish cycle of addiction and withdrawal, only finding solace at last in the teachings of the Dark Lord, Satan.

Somewhere along the line, Billy also had a string of plastic surgeries to alter his appearance to more closely resemble that of a rainbow trout, but that’s neither here nor there. What we can say, however, is that what was once a notorious and hideous Secret Santa gift, often relegated to the dark corners of over-crowded garages and attics, has now become quite possibly the funniest fucking thing I’ve seen in quite some time. Oh Billy, you may have lost the will to live, but you certainly haven’t lost your demonic charm.

11.08.2012

Ludicrous scientific findings

Oh, Internet. Just when I thought I might be bored of you forever, you go and blow my mind like it’s the Double Rainbow video all over again.

ludacris proximity sadness meter Ludicrous scientific findings

I want you to take a look at that image. Study it. For in it, you will see real truth, which is a very rare commodity these days.

10.19.2012

I'm out!

hulk hogan is out Im out!

I’m going out of town for the weekend, ya’ll. The Hulkster goes to Heaven.

10.01.2012

Stair master

Boy, I had a weekend. I’ll tell you that much.

drunk guy falls down stairs Stair master

More later. Right now I’ve got to get an IV of Gatorade going.

09.30.2012

An Unexpected Menu

The return of the breakfast of kings. The two towers of pancakes? Fellowship of the french toast? I don’t know guys, I could go all night.

dennys hobbit slam An Unexpected Menu

What’s that I see? Some Helm’s Deep Hashbrowns and a couple of Smaug Eggs Over Easy? Totally wizard!

But Hobbit Slam? That doesn’t sound like a delicious and hearty breakfast, made for the type of jolly creature that can eat not only second breakfasts, but even elevenses. By Gandalf’s beard, it sounds kind of like a wrestling move a couple of tag-teaming little people would pull on you, before smacking your cheek with a “Shire sausage” and giving you a close up view of their very own “hobbit hole.”

09.18.2012

Judgement is coming

Who else is getting kind of psyched for this?

dredd 3d preview Judgement is coming

I was a little skeptical at first, but then…

Careful, for what you see… cannot be unseen.

dredd 3d review rotten tomatoes Judgement is coming

Man, I can’t wait for this fucking movie! Or for Slo-Mo to actually be invented - shit looks off the charts!

09.10.2012

Get on the bandwagon

This is probably the single coolest thing I’ve ever seen.

Life is a highway, and they wanna ride it all night long. You could say, this band is definitely going places.